How to Write an Obituary for a Friend
When the family asks you to help — or when you just need to put into words what this person meant — here's how to do it well.
The family called you. Or maybe they didn't have to — you saw the need and offered. Either way, you're here because your friend has died and someone needs to write the obituary, and that someone is you.
Writing an obituary for a friend is different from writing one for a family member. You might not know all the dates and details. You might not be sure what the family wants included. But you know something nobody else does — you know what it was like to be this person's friend. You know the version of them that came out when family wasn't around.
That perspective matters. That's exactly why you're the right person to write this.
When a Friend Writes the Obituary
Families ask friends to write obituaries more often than you'd think. Sometimes the family is too overwhelmed — they're planning services, fielding calls, managing legal paperwork, and the thought of sitting down to write feels impossible. Sometimes they ask a friend because they know you're a writer, or because you knew a side of the person they didn't.
I once helped a woman write an obituary for her college roommate. The family — elderly parents and a sister who lived overseas — had the facts but couldn't capture her personality. The friend knew exactly how she laughed, what she ordered at every restaurant (always the second-cheapest wine, "because the cheapest feels sad"), and the way she signed off every phone call with "love you, mean it." The family cried when they read the draft. Not because it was sad — because it was her.
If you've been asked to do this, treat it as the honor it is. And if you're writing a tribute on your own (in addition to whatever the family publishes), that's a beautiful thing too.
How to Coordinate with the Family
Before you write a single word, get the basics from the family:
- Full name, dates of birth and death, age
- Surviving family members — names and relationships, spelled correctly
- Predeceased family members
- Service details — dates, times, locations with full addresses
- Memorial donation preferences
- Anything they want included or excluded — this is important. Ask directly.
Also ask: "Is there anything you'd rather I not mention?" Families sometimes have boundaries around cause of death, past relationships, or personal struggles. Respect those boundaries completely.
Plan to share your draft before it's published. The family gets final say — always.
What to Include (and What to Leave Out)
Include
- The standard facts (name, dates, family, services)
- Career highlights — what they did and whether they loved it
- Passions, hobbies, the things they cared about
- What they were like as a friend — loyal, funny, the one who always answered the phone
- A specific memory or story that captures their personality
- The impact they had on people around them
Leave out (unless the family approves)
- Cause of death details the family hasn't shared publicly
- Personal struggles, legal issues, or family conflicts
- Inside jokes that would confuse most readers
- Anything you wouldn't want published about yourself
Writing It, Step by Step
Step 1: Write down everything you remember
Before you try to write the actual obituary, do a brain dump. Every story, every detail, every thing they said that made you laugh. Don't organize it. Just get it on the page. You'll have far more material than you need, and that's exactly what you want.
Step 2: Open with the facts
Start with the announcement. Name, age, date, place. Keep it clear and simple.
"Sarah Katherine Mitchell, 41, of Portland, Oregon, died on January 30, 2026. She left behind a trail of strong coffee, dog-eared paperbacks, and people who are trying to figure out how to do Tuesdays without her."
That second sentence is optional — and not every family will want that tone. But for the right person, it's perfect.
Step 3: Sketch the life
Cover the basics: where they grew up, education, career, family. You may need the family's help here. Don't guess at dates or details — ask.
Step 4: Write the part only you can write
This is why you're writing this obituary. The family can list the facts. You can describe what it was like to sit across a table from this person. What made them laugh. What made them mad. How they showed up when things were hard.
Write one memory in full detail. Not "she was always there for me" — instead: "When my mom got sick, Sarah showed up at my house with a cooler full of meals, a label maker (because she labeled everything), and a handwritten schedule of who was driving my kids to school for the next two weeks. She'd already called everyone on the list."
Step 5: List family and service details
Use the family's list exactly as provided. Check every name twice.
Step 6: Send the draft to the family
Before anyone else sees it. Let them add, remove, or adjust. Don't take edits personally — they're grieving and protective, and that's as it should be.
3 Example Obituaries Written by Friends
Example 1: A close friend, written with warmth and humor
Sarah Katherine Mitchell, 41, of Portland, Oregon, died on January 30, 2026, after a two-year battle with ovarian cancer that she fought with the same stubbornness she brought to everything else — which is to say, completely and without apology.
Sarah was born on June 14, 1984, in Eugene, Oregon, to Tom and Diane Mitchell. She graduated from South Eugene High School and earned a degree in English from the University of Oregon, where she discovered that her two great loves in life were Virginia Woolf and late-night breakfast food.
She moved to Portland in 2008 and built a career in nonprofit communications, most recently as the communications director for Oregon Food Bank. She was the kind of writer who could make a donor report feel like a love letter, and she believed — genuinely — that words could change things.
Sarah was the friend who remembered your kid's name, your dog's birthday, and the exact date you got sober. She kept a running list of book recommendations for everyone she knew. She made the best banana bread any of us had ever tasted and refused to share the recipe, claiming it would "lose its power." She had a laugh you could hear from three rooms away, and she used it constantly.
She is survived by her parents, Tom and Diane Mitchell of Eugene; her brother, David (Kate) Mitchell of Bend; her niece and nephew, Lily and Owen; her partner, James Nakamura of Portland; and more friends than any one person has a right to accumulate in 41 years.
A celebration of life will be held Saturday, February 8, at 3:00 p.m. at the Alberta Abbey, 126 NE Alberta St., Portland. Wear something colorful — she'd have hated a room full of black. In lieu of flowers, donate to Oregon Food Bank at oregonfoodbank.org.
Example 2: A longtime friend, traditional tone
Dennis Wayne Cooper, 67, of Fort Worth, Texas, passed away on February 2, 2026, at Baylor Scott & White Medical Center.
Dennis was born on March 22, 1958, in Abilene, Texas, to Wayne and Marjorie Cooper. He graduated from Abilene High School in 1976 and attended Tarleton State University, where he studied business and played intramural softball with a seriousness that suggested he thought scouts were watching.
He spent 35 years in the insurance industry, building Cooper & Associates into one of the most trusted agencies in Tarrant County. His clients stayed with him for decades — not because of the rates, but because Dennis called them on their birthdays, remembered their kids' names, and somehow always had time for a cup of coffee and a conversation.
I knew Dennis for 42 years. We met in college, shared a terrible apartment in Stephenville, and spent the next four decades fishing, arguing about football, and building the kind of friendship that doesn't need constant contact to stay strong. He was the first person I called with good news and the first person who showed up with bad news. He drove four hours in an ice storm to sit with me when my wife was in surgery. That's who he was.
He is survived by his wife of 40 years, Linda (Garrison) Cooper; his children, Kyle (Jessica) Cooper and Amanda (Chris) Webb; his five grandchildren, Caleb, Emma, Noah, Wyatt, and Sophie; and his brother, Gary Cooper of Abilene. He was preceded in death by his parents.
Funeral services will be held Thursday, February 6, at 2:00 p.m. at University Baptist Church, 2720 Wabash Ave., Fort Worth. Visitation Wednesday evening, 6:00–8:00 p.m., at Greenwood Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to the Tarrant County Food Bank.
Example 3: A young friend, capturing who they were becoming
Aiden James Park, 28, of Chicago, Illinois, died unexpectedly on February 5, 2026.
Aiden was born on November 3, 1997, in Evanston, Illinois, to Michael and Julie Park. He graduated from Evanston Township High School in 2016 and earned a degree in computer science from DePaul University in 2020.
He worked as a software developer at a startup in the West Loop, where he was known for solving problems nobody else could figure out and for keeping a collection of rubber ducks on his desk that he claimed helped him debug code. He was quietly brilliant, deeply kind, and funny in a way that caught you off guard — dry, unexpected, and perfectly timed.
Aiden was the friend who'd drive across the city to help you move, who remembered the small things, who texted you a song at midnight because "this made me think of you." He was just getting started. He'd recently adopted a cat named Pixel, started learning to cook Korean food from his grandmother's recipes, and talked about wanting to build something that mattered.
He is survived by his parents, Michael and Julie Park; his sister, Grace Park of New York City; his grandmothers, Soon-Hee Park and Patricia Collins; and a community of friends who are all still trying to make sense of a world without him in it.
A memorial gathering will be held Saturday, February 15, at 1:00 p.m. at The Promontory, 5311 S. Lake Park Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, donations to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) at nami.org.
Common Challenges and How to Handle Them
You don't know all the facts
That's expected. You're a friend, not a family historian. Get the factual framework from the family and fill in the personality from your own experience. Nobody expects you to know their grandmother's maiden name.
You're grieving too
Give yourself permission to cry while writing. Step away when you need to. This is not a professional assignment — it's a deeply personal act, and it's okay for it to hurt. If you need to write it in three separate sittings, do that.
You're worried about getting the tone wrong
Ask the family. "Do you want this to be more traditional, or is it okay if I write it the way [name] would have wanted — a little funny, a little irreverent?" Most families will tell you exactly what they're hoping for.
Other friends want input
If you're the designated writer, you get to decide what goes in. But it's kind to ask mutual friends: "What's one thing you'd want people to know about [name]?" You'll get good material, and people will feel included in the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it appropriate for a friend to write the obituary?
Yes, absolutely. The family may ask because they're too deep in grief, or because they know you'll capture a side of the person that only friends saw. It's an honor. Just coordinate with the family to make sure dates, names, and service details are accurate.
What if the family and I remember the person differently?
That's normal. A person is different with friends than with family. Share your draft before publishing and let the family adjust anything that doesn't feel right. Your job is to add to the portrait, not contradict it.
Should I include inside jokes or nicknames?
Carefully. A nickname everyone knew ("everyone called him Bear") adds warmth. An inside joke between just two people might confuse readers. The test: would most people at the funeral understand this reference? If yes, include it.
How do I handle a sudden or unexpected death?
"Died unexpectedly" or "died suddenly" — both are common and appropriate. You don't need to include the cause unless the family wants that. Focus on how they lived, not how they died.
Can I write a tribute even if the family already published an obituary?
Yes. Many friends write separate tributes on social media or memorial sites like OfficialObituary.com. These complement the family's obituary. Just be respectful and don't share information the family chose to keep private.
Need help putting your thoughts into words?
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